Home...

This was a nice greeting early this morning as I came up the back stairs.

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Crazy times...

How come the people we should love most in life, contribute greatly to making us heartless?

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Keane - Atlantic

I hope all my days
Will be lit by your face
I hope all the years
Will hold tight our promises

I don't wanna be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't wanna be old and feel afraid

I don't wanna be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't wanna be old and feel afraid

And if I need anything at all

I need a place
That's hidden in the deep
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep
Though all the world is broken

I need a place
Where I can make my bed
A lover's lap where I can lay my head
Cos now the room is spinning
The day's beginning

Evening...

Its evening, I'm hungry and its been a long quiet and completely uneventful day so far. In large part thats a welcome thing, as I've been moving new furniture in most of the week. I'm tired of moving. Its to hot to move all this crap around...

So I'm sitting her in the dark on the new couch blabbing away about nothing. I don't know why I'm even bothering.

Suckitude...

I lost my job a few weeks ago... this blows. I'm looking really hard for a job but I'm either over qualified for everything (so the gently say when they respond that I didn't get the job) or its got some weird niche software hardware requirement that I've never come across before.

I'm ready to take just about anything just to have some money flowing in, really, I don't care at this point. SOMEONE JUST FREAKING HIRE ME!!!

I'm starting to get into a funk here. I can feel it in my bones. Its been in my bones for awhile now. Something is amiss and I'm not sleeping anymore.

Nights...

I miss my wife. Tracey's back on nights again and so our schedules are a mess. I really miss her and the 20 mins or so I get to squeak in on the days I get home before she leaves just isn't enough.

I hope she finds a trade soon cause we have so much fun together and I hate not being around her.

Holidays...

The holidays fucking suck.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Updates

I finally have my license back... what a relief it is to feel free again. If I want to go somewhere, take part in something, hell just spin the wheels and waste the gas I am now able to do so. Its taken a TREMENDOUS amount of stress off of me. It was a very expensive weekend getting "legal" and getting the cars up and running well again but I am so glad to drive!

In other news, I finally culled together a bunch of material for the book I want to write, I got all my notes together and was going over all the publiciation agreements and legalese when BOOM I found out that my proposal is already being done and should be published in 2010. Crap!!! BUT it felt good to have that fire under me and it was nice to have a sense of purpose and direction so I think the library will see me soon and I'll just have to pick another subject/era/locale to write my sourcebook from.

I'm thinking now maybe a Call of Cthulhu sourcebook on "Secrets of Texas: The Stars at Night are Finally Right, Deep in the Heart of Texas!" muhahahahahahahahahahah

Schadenfreuder

I've been thinking a lot lately on some personal qualities of mine. Things that at times I saw as great hinderances or as obstacles to the reality of my world... but I think that I was in the wrong frame of mind then.

The quality in particular is optimism. I'm no different from any other human being stumbling upon this earth and so I am not always optimistic and I am not always a positive person, but I do consider myself an optimist. I see it as a necessary part of my life and my outlook on the world and as an essential part of my survival. Life is negative enough and hard enough without my focusing on those aspects and so I choose (or want to resume choosing) to focus on the good parts. I want to relish in the good in all my relationships with all the people in my life. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors and the results of my work. I want to be happy to be here, in this place at this time and not lose myself in the process.

I don't mean in anyway that I am not facing the bad parts of life. I'm not intending to bury my head in the sand or not deal with problems, but I will not allow them to eat me alive. Life is at times a hungering, slavering mouth full of jagged teeth that cannot wait to crush and rend you... but it is also a golden smile, like sunlight on an alabaster face and glittering eyes full of hope and promise.

Thats the life I want.

I don't want to dwell on cracks and fractures. I don't want to be a schadenfreuder relishing in others losses or misfortunes. I don't want to see deamons in all the shadows of my life and be afriad, dying untried and starving for experience. Things can be so much better and I will work to reinforce those thought patterns in my life.

I refuse misery. I refuse degredation. I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF TO MYSELF.

The Weekend Wrapup

I had an interesting weekend with Matt and Q... we watched a bunch of movies, shot, skinned, cleaned and ate a rabbit along with various other food stuffs and played some great games. It was a much needed getaway, a chance to reset my mind and to reset my sanity.

Hopefully we'll be able to do something like this again, at least on an annual basis.

My father...

My father was a lot of things, many not worth mentioning. I do however recall the one good peice of advice that he gave me. The one kernel of wisdom that actually did take root and grow in me.

"Its not hard to get what you want in life. Whats hard is getting it all when you need it and keeping hold of it."

Of all the things the man was... good and bad, he spoke the truth in that moment.