I've been thinking a lot lately on some personal qualities of mine. Things that at times I saw as great hinderances or as obstacles to the reality of my world... but I think that I was in the wrong frame of mind then.
The quality in particular is optimism. I'm no different from any other human being stumbling upon this earth and so I am not always optimistic and I am not always a positive person, but I do consider myself an optimist. I see it as a necessary part of my life and my outlook on the world and as an essential part of my survival. Life is negative enough and hard enough without my focusing on those aspects and so I choose (or want to resume choosing) to focus on the good parts. I want to relish in the good in all my relationships with all the people in my life. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors and the results of my work. I want to be happy to be here, in this place at this time and not lose myself in the process.
I don't mean in anyway that I am not facing the bad parts of life. I'm not intending to bury my head in the sand or not deal with problems, but I will not allow them to eat me alive. Life is at times a hungering, slavering mouth full of jagged teeth that cannot wait to crush and rend you... but it is also a golden smile, like sunlight on an alabaster face and glittering eyes full of hope and promise.
Thats the life I want.
I don't want to dwell on cracks and fractures. I don't want to be a schadenfreuder relishing in others losses or misfortunes. I don't want to see deamons in all the shadows of my life and be afriad, dying untried and starving for experience. Things can be so much better and I will work to reinforce those thought patterns in my life.
I refuse misery. I refuse degredation. I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF TO MYSELF.
