Sup...

 Crazy. This shit is still here. I should probably use it more. 

See ya again in 5 years. 

Depression is a piece of shit - Living on the periphery of a mental illness

"Depression is a piece of shit". I read that somewhere on the Internet awhile ago, a meme or a comment on something and it made me chuckle. That, of course, was before depression reared its bastard head in my life. I'm not depressed, but someone very close to me is. I've seen this person fall from a social star, from a boisterous and engaging human being to a shattered shell. Interactions are at an all time low. Creativity is gone save the rare spurts that come unpredictably. The worst part is that this dear compatriot of mine won't even take care of themselves. Eating, bathing, working, the very basics. I've tried to be supportive and encouraging. I know that this person has an illness. I could not possibly be upset or blame someone for having the flu any more than I could blame my friend for being depressed. And yet, at times it is all too easy to forget this sentiment. There are days when they smile. There are wonderful and rich social interactions that remind me, painfully so at times, what the world is losing to this terrible depression. It is incredibly easy for those of us who do not suffer depression to judge and misunderstand the difficulty its sufferers endure. How is it for you to get and walk out the front door. Maybe you looked in the fridge to discover you need milk, it's a simple fix, right? Grab your keys and go! It's not that way for my friend though. Just the thought of leaving the house can lead to anxiety and panic attacks. I have only witnessed a handful of these, but I know they happen more than I'm told. I can't fathom that. I have tried. I am trying. To me, and likely to you if you've not ever been depressed it seems so simple.

And that is why I'm writing this. As I said, I'm not depressed. I'm very sad and pained to watch someone I care so deeply about hurting, but I'm on the sidelines. I'm writing this, more than anything, to voice my feelings and observations as an outsider to a disease. I'm writing this as a way to express thoughts that I don't think would help if I were to talk with my friend about their depression. You see, though this person will always be special to me and I will always love them, lately they have become ugly. Of course, I don't mean that in the physical sense, I simply mean that my dealings and interactions with them are ugly. My support for them goes unappreciated and often spurned. I'm not trying to help so that I get a pat on the back, but when my help is criticized or inexplicably turned around into an attack on me... well there are only so many times that can be overlooked. I am aware of a growing bitterness within me. I like to think that I'm a rational person, capable of objective thinking and putting ever at the forefront of my mind, that I am dealing with an illness. I know that. Still, sometimes, on the long days when I'm worn out, that objectivity doesn't sink in. It's caused arguments between my friend and I. Though I hate to say it and typing it in black and white makes it even worse, there is a rift between us. Yes, depression is a piece of shit.

I'm sure there are many of you out there that have had to deal with this before. This isn't meant to be a self-help piece or how to guide. I can't tell those of you who have a depressed spouse, parent, sibling or just a best friend how to get through it. I'm not through it. I'm struggling along just like a lot of you. If you're reading this and you know how to help or cope, by all means share! This is meant though, for anyone else in this difficult place on the periphery of depression, to say you're not alone.

NaNoWriMo Update - 11/03/2016

Well, I'm at 7,853 words now. I got a staggering 2,316 today while I only needed 1,667 AND, I killed my first character!!! No details, sorry.

I wonder if I should George R. R. Martin this thing...

Hey blog? How ya been?

Well, it's obviously been a LOOOOOONG time since I've written anything here! I'll have to go through all my old posts to see if there is any gold I can salvage from those old ramblings.

What am I doing back here? Well, I started the NaNoWriMo project. I thought I'd make a blog to chronicle my attempt at such an ambitious writing project and post my progress, failures and experiences along the way. Something that I can look back on when it's all done and see where it likely went off the rails!

 I'll say ahead of time, this novel is going to be a wreck. I usually write poetry. This will be the longest thing I've ever written clocking in at around 50,000 words. I'm using an idea I had for a short story and half-ass developed. Hopefully I can create some interesting subplots and get a little more mileage out of it.

At any rate, you can follow my progress here if you're so inclined: R.D. Crocker

I've also got a Facebook Author page you can find here: R.D. Crocker Author

Blogging about writing... I know how redundant that is. Trust me.

Before the world you know was like it is
I held a lover once and I was his
And we walked along the river in the sun
But he's a lonely man, so this was done
The only place we had to meet was night
While the sun he sleeps in shadows we can hide
On the mountainside we spent our time together
but it is gone when morning comes

And you are the wolf
And I am the moon
And in the endless sky we are but one
We are alive
In my dreams wolf and I

How many days and nights will come and go
While the only light you'll see is from my glow
There will never be a dawn that breaks the spell surrounding us
Til the earth dies with the sun

And you are the wolf
And I am the moon
And in the endless sky we are but one
We are alive
In my dreams wolf and I
(Repeat)

Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh (4x)
Aaah aaah aaah aaaah aaah (2x)

In the endless sky we are but one
Hmmmm mmm

Quote for today

The fact is that the average man's love of liberty is nine-tenths imaginary, exactly like his love of sense, justice and truth. He is not actually happy when free; he is uncomfortable, a bit alarmed, and intolerably lonely. Liberty is not a thing for the great masses of men. It is the exclusive possession of a small and disreputable minority, like knowledge, courage and honor. It takes a special sort of man to understand and enjoy liberty - and he is usually an outlaw in democratic societies.

H.L. Mencken, February 12, 1923

Quote for today

Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors.
- Thomas H. Huxley

Bored!

I'm so damned bored right now. I've been sitting in a McDonald's leeching their Wi-Fi for the last three hours waiting on my car to get fixed.

PLEASE HURRY UP! I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS MINDLESS CHATTER HERE AND THESE SNOTTY KIDS CRYING ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

Sunshine

Its a great day outside, the air is crisp and cool just like I like it. Its starting off to be a shitty day though. I've had so much going on lately, so much utter bullshit with my kids and my hearts broken. I don't know what my problem is today, I just wish I could enjoy how wonderful it is out there.

I feel like I'm drowning. To bad its not in the sunshine.

Home...

This was a nice greeting early this morning as I came up the back stairs.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

Crazy times...

How come the people we should love most in life, contribute greatly to making us heartless?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.5.2

20 minutes of oxygen - Darkest of the Hillside Thickets

If I had the brains, here's what I'd do

Build a time door and visit my youth

This cigar burn is for effect

In the future you won't forget

When you're trapped in that airtight room

Flick the red switch but not the blue

So, if you remember

If you remember me

That'd be the rip-cord in my destiny

I know how it sounds, trust me on this

Your life to be hangs on this one choice

Keep your Hilti near, you'll know when

Twenty minutes of oxygen

So, if you remember

If you remember me

That could be the rip-cord in my destiny

So, if you remember

If you remember me

That could be the rip-cord in my destiny

If I had the brains, that's what I'd do

Build that time door and poke my head through

It's too late now and I'm still dumb

Twenty minutes of oxygen

No, you won't remember

You won't remember me

There'll be no rip-cord in my destiny

No, you won't remember

You won't remember me

There'll be no rip-cord in my destiny

Quotes on Education

"The children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society which is coming, where everyone would be interdependent."
-John Dewey

“Ninety-nine [students] out of a hundred are automata, careful to walk in prescribed paths, careful to follow the prescribed customs. This is not an accident but the result of substantial education, which scientifically defined, is the subsumption of the individual.”
-William Torrey Harris, U.S. Commissioner of Education from 1889-1906.

"Our schools have been scientifically designed to prevent over-education from happening. The average American [should be] content with their humble role in life, because they're not tempted to think about any other role."
-William Torrey Harris, U.S. Commissioner of Education from 1889-1906.

“Individual talent is too sporadic and unpredictable to be allowed any important part in the organization society. Social systems which endure are built on the average person who can be trained to occupy any position adequately if not brilliantly.”
-Stuart Chase, The Proper Study of Mankind, 1948.

"A primary purpose of the educational system is to train school children in good citizenship, patriotism and loyalty to the state and the nation as a means of protecting the public welfare."
-Justice H. Walter Croskey, 2008.

Keane - Atlantic

I hope all my days
Will be lit by your face
I hope all the years
Will hold tight our promises

I don't wanna be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't wanna be old and feel afraid

I don't wanna be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't wanna be old and feel afraid

And if I need anything at all

I need a place
That's hidden in the deep
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep
Though all the world is broken

I need a place
Where I can make my bed
A lover's lap where I can lay my head
Cos now the room is spinning
The day's beginning

Evening...

Its evening, I'm hungry and its been a long quiet and completely uneventful day so far. In large part thats a welcome thing, as I've been moving new furniture in most of the week. I'm tired of moving. Its to hot to move all this crap around...

So I'm sitting her in the dark on the new couch blabbing away about nothing. I don't know why I'm even bothering.

Quotes for today

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.
- Henry Ford

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
- Sidney J. Harris

Quotes for the evening

The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.

- Andre Malraux

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Bubbling brook

In the meadows of this wide old world
On winds with whispers long enswirled
In moonlights silver cloak unfurled
He awaits you in a dream

Near the coolness of a bubbling brook
In the shadow you watched what barely shook
As something crooked out to have a look
And in yours eyes set a gleam

Was a slender wolf with a shaggy tail
Looking hungry and just a bit to frail
It drew deep breaths as if to wail
When it saw you by the stream

And its pink soft toungue hung idly by
It stretched its legs and yawned a sigh
He lay down to watch this passerby
Who was more than they would seem

So to you dear dreamer near the water
Dare you fearfully to creep and totter
To the wolf whose breath is growing hotter
Or instead, will you just scream

Or instead, will you just scream

Child

Little me in you I see
I'll hold you
Like it should have been

And give to all a little you
I'll be your guide
And see you through

For you I'll be a guiding light
A star afar in darkest night
A soothing voice to calm your fright
A force for you when you must fight

Let me be your memory
When sadness brings you to your knees
Of smiles and laughter in the spring
Of wind and creaking strength of trees

My only wish, my only dream
Is for you to shine and burn and gleam
Like sunlight pouring down the beam
To a golden ripple on the stream