Holidays...

The holidays fucking suck.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Updates

I finally have my license back... what a relief it is to feel free again. If I want to go somewhere, take part in something, hell just spin the wheels and waste the gas I am now able to do so. Its taken a TREMENDOUS amount of stress off of me. It was a very expensive weekend getting "legal" and getting the cars up and running well again but I am so glad to drive!

In other news, I finally culled together a bunch of material for the book I want to write, I got all my notes together and was going over all the publiciation agreements and legalese when BOOM I found out that my proposal is already being done and should be published in 2010. Crap!!! BUT it felt good to have that fire under me and it was nice to have a sense of purpose and direction so I think the library will see me soon and I'll just have to pick another subject/era/locale to write my sourcebook from.

I'm thinking now maybe a Call of Cthulhu sourcebook on "Secrets of Texas: The Stars at Night are Finally Right, Deep in the Heart of Texas!" muhahahahahahahahahahah

Just Think! - Robert W. Service

Just think! some night the stars will gleam
Upon a cold gray stone,
And trace a name with silver beam,
And lo! 'twill be your own.
That night is speeding on to greet
Your epitaphic rhyme.
Your life is but a little beat
Within the heart of Time.
A little gain, a little pain,
A laugh lest you may moan;
A little blame, a little fame,
A star gleam on a stone.

Schadenfreuder

I've been thinking a lot lately on some personal qualities of mine. Things that at times I saw as great hinderances or as obstacles to the reality of my world... but I think that I was in the wrong frame of mind then.

The quality in particular is optimism. I'm no different from any other human being stumbling upon this earth and so I am not always optimistic and I am not always a positive person, but I do consider myself an optimist. I see it as a necessary part of my life and my outlook on the world and as an essential part of my survival. Life is negative enough and hard enough without my focusing on those aspects and so I choose (or want to resume choosing) to focus on the good parts. I want to relish in the good in all my relationships with all the people in my life. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors and the results of my work. I want to be happy to be here, in this place at this time and not lose myself in the process.

I don't mean in anyway that I am not facing the bad parts of life. I'm not intending to bury my head in the sand or not deal with problems, but I will not allow them to eat me alive. Life is at times a hungering, slavering mouth full of jagged teeth that cannot wait to crush and rend you... but it is also a golden smile, like sunlight on an alabaster face and glittering eyes full of hope and promise.

Thats the life I want.

I don't want to dwell on cracks and fractures. I don't want to be a schadenfreuder relishing in others losses or misfortunes. I don't want to see deamons in all the shadows of my life and be afriad, dying untried and starving for experience. Things can be so much better and I will work to reinforce those thought patterns in my life.

I refuse misery. I refuse degredation. I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF TO MYSELF.