Holidays...

The holidays fucking suck.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Updates

I finally have my license back... what a relief it is to feel free again. If I want to go somewhere, take part in something, hell just spin the wheels and waste the gas I am now able to do so. Its taken a TREMENDOUS amount of stress off of me. It was a very expensive weekend getting "legal" and getting the cars up and running well again but I am so glad to drive!

In other news, I finally culled together a bunch of material for the book I want to write, I got all my notes together and was going over all the publiciation agreements and legalese when BOOM I found out that my proposal is already being done and should be published in 2010. Crap!!! BUT it felt good to have that fire under me and it was nice to have a sense of purpose and direction so I think the library will see me soon and I'll just have to pick another subject/era/locale to write my sourcebook from.

I'm thinking now maybe a Call of Cthulhu sourcebook on "Secrets of Texas: The Stars at Night are Finally Right, Deep in the Heart of Texas!" muhahahahahahahahahahah

Just Think! - Robert W. Service

Just think! some night the stars will gleam
Upon a cold gray stone,
And trace a name with silver beam,
And lo! 'twill be your own.
That night is speeding on to greet
Your epitaphic rhyme.
Your life is but a little beat
Within the heart of Time.
A little gain, a little pain,
A laugh lest you may moan;
A little blame, a little fame,
A star gleam on a stone.

Schadenfreuder

I've been thinking a lot lately on some personal qualities of mine. Things that at times I saw as great hinderances or as obstacles to the reality of my world... but I think that I was in the wrong frame of mind then.

The quality in particular is optimism. I'm no different from any other human being stumbling upon this earth and so I am not always optimistic and I am not always a positive person, but I do consider myself an optimist. I see it as a necessary part of my life and my outlook on the world and as an essential part of my survival. Life is negative enough and hard enough without my focusing on those aspects and so I choose (or want to resume choosing) to focus on the good parts. I want to relish in the good in all my relationships with all the people in my life. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors and the results of my work. I want to be happy to be here, in this place at this time and not lose myself in the process.

I don't mean in anyway that I am not facing the bad parts of life. I'm not intending to bury my head in the sand or not deal with problems, but I will not allow them to eat me alive. Life is at times a hungering, slavering mouth full of jagged teeth that cannot wait to crush and rend you... but it is also a golden smile, like sunlight on an alabaster face and glittering eyes full of hope and promise.

Thats the life I want.

I don't want to dwell on cracks and fractures. I don't want to be a schadenfreuder relishing in others losses or misfortunes. I don't want to see deamons in all the shadows of my life and be afriad, dying untried and starving for experience. Things can be so much better and I will work to reinforce those thought patterns in my life.

I refuse misery. I refuse degredation. I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF TO MYSELF.

Quote for today ~

Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves.
- Carl Sagan

Wisdom from the Havamal

Here is a verse of the Havamal that I was thinking about today and figured I'd share here:

Mildir frœknir
menn bazt lifa
sjaldan sút ala
en ósnjallr maðr
uggir hotvetna
sýtir æ gløggr við gjöfum

Translations:

Generous, valiant
men live best,
and seldom nourish sorrow;
but the cowardly man
fears all sorts of things
and the niggard is always troubled about gifts.

The generous and bold have the best lives,
Are seldom beset by cares,
But the base man sees bogies everywhere
And the miser pines for presents

Most blest is he who lives free and bold
and nurses never a grief,
for the fearful man is dismayed by aught,
and the mean one mourns over giving.

The Field

The memory was a black and white truth in my soul

A death I kept dying, growing like sick bent flowers

Which I watered with my tears, a flood, a deluge

And there was a field grown overnight that I had once cleared

I was going to build a peaceful home there one day

But now it was wild and the ground shook

How I wanted to throw myself upon it, let it swallow me up

Let myself sink down into it to feed its hungry infant cries

But I did not, instead I stood until the tears dried

I stood straight until the trembles grew quiet, lazy, complacent

And the flowers thirsted then sunk down and blew away

Now that field is just a field, still pretty in the light

Perhaps oneday I will build something there

Perhaps not, and it will remain one of the great empty places

In my world...

Runes today ~

Othala: (O: Ancestral property.) Inherited property or possessions, a house, a home. What is truly important to one. Group order, group prosperity. Land of birth, spiritual heritage, experience and fundamental values. Aid in spiritual and physical journeys. Source of safety, increase and abundance.

Berkano: (B: Berchta, the birch-goddess.) Birth, general fertility, both mental and physical and personal growth, liberation. Regenerative power and light of spring, renewal, promise of new beginnings, new growth. Arousal of desire. A love affair or new birth. The prospering of an enterprise or venture.

Ehwaz: (E: Horse, two horses.) Transportation. May represent a horse, car, plane, boat or other vehicle. Movement and change for the better. Gradual development and steady progress are indicated. Harmony, teamwork, trust, loyalty. An ideal marriage or partnership. Confirmation beyond doubt the meanings of the runes around it.

The Weekend Wrapup

I had an interesting weekend with Matt and Q... we watched a bunch of movies, shot, skinned, cleaned and ate a rabbit along with various other food stuffs and played some great games. It was a much needed getaway, a chance to reset my mind and to reset my sanity.

Hopefully we'll be able to do something like this again, at least on an annual basis.

Quote for today ~

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- Umberto Eco

Todays Runes

Eihwaz: (EI: Yew tree.) Strength, reliability, dependability, trustworthiness. Enlightenment, endurance. Defense, protection. The driving force to acquire, providing motivation and a sense of purpose. Indicates that you have set your sights on a reasonable target and can achieve your goals. An honest man who can be relied upon.

Kenaz: (K: Beacon or torch.) Vision, revelation, knowledge, creativity, inspiration, technical ability. Vital fire of life, harnessed power, fire of transformation and regeneration. Power to create your own reality, the power of light. Open to new strength, energy, and power now. Passion, sexual love.

Ansuz: (A: The As, ancestral god, i.e. Odin.) A revealing message or insight, communication. Signals, inspiration, enthusiasm, speech, true vision, power of words and naming. Blessings, the taking of advice. Good health, harmony, truth, wisdom.

Runes Today ~

URUZ - Physical strength and speed, untamed potential. A time of great energy and health. Freedom, energy, action, courage, strength, tenacity, understanding, wisdom. Sudden or unexpected changes (usually for the better). Sexual desire, masculine potency. The shaping of power and pattern, formulation of the self.

GEBO - Gifts, both in the sense of sacrifice and of generosity, indicating balance. All matters in relation to exchanges, including contracts, personal relationships and partnerships.

DAGAZ - Breakthrough, awakening, awareness. Daylight clarity as opposed to nighttime uncertainty. A time to plan or embark upon an enterprise. The power of change directed by your own will, transformation. Hope/happiness, the ideal. Security and certainty. Growth and release. Balance point, the place where opposites meet.

My father...

My father was a lot of things, many not worth mentioning. I do however recall the one good peice of advice that he gave me. The one kernel of wisdom that actually did take root and grow in me.

"Its not hard to get what you want in life. Whats hard is getting it all when you need it and keeping hold of it."

Of all the things the man was... good and bad, he spoke the truth in that moment.

Runes today ~

Dagaz - Breakthrough, awakening, awareness. Daylight clarity as opposed to nighttime uncertainty. A time to plan or embark upon an enterprise. The power of change directed by your own will, transformation. Hope/happiness, the ideal. Security and certainty. Growth and release. Balance point, the place where opposites meet.

Perthro - Uncertain meaning, a secret matter, a mystery, hidden things and occult abilities. Initiation, knowledge of one's destiny, knowledge of future matters, determining the future or your path. Pertaining to things feminine, feminine mysteries including female fertility, and vagina. Good lot, fellowship and joy. Evolutionary change.

Thurisaz - Reactive force, directed force of destruction and defense, conflict. Instinctual will, vital eroticism, regenerative catalyst. A tendency toward change. Catharsis, purging, cleansing fire. Male sexuality, fertilization. (Thorr, the Thunder god, was of Giant stock.)

Zigeuner, du hast mein Herz gestohlen!

What a great song... give it a listen!

Gypsy, you have stolen my heart!

Scare Easy - Mudcrutch

My love's an ocean
You better not cross it
Oh I've been the distance
And I need some rest

Yeah I had somebody once
And damn if I lost her
I've been running
Like a man possessed

I don't scare easy
Don't fall apart
When I'm under the gun
You can break my heart
And I ain't gonna run
I don't scare easy
For no one

Yeah, I am a loser
At the top of my game
I should have known
To keep an eye on you
I got a sky
It ain't never the same
Yeah, I got a dream
That don't ever come true

I don't scare easy
Don't fall apart
When I'm under the gun
You can break my heart
But I ain't gonna run
I don't scare easy
For no one

Sun going down
On a canyon wall
I got a soul that
Ain't never been blessed
Yeah and I'm a shadow
At the back of the hall
Yeah, I got a sin
I ain't never confessed

And I don't scare easy
Don't fall apart
When I'm under the gun
You can break my heart
And I ain't gonna run
I don't scare easy
For no one

And I don't scare easy
Don't fall apart
When I'm under the gun
You can break my heart
But I ain't gonna run
I don't scare easy
For no one

-----------------
Scare Easy

Todays Rune draw ~

Wunjo - Joy, comfort, pleasure. Fellowship, harmony, prosperity. Ecstasy, glory, spiritual reward, but also the possibility of going "over the top". If restrained, the meaning is general success and recognition of worth.


Tiwaz - Honor, justice, leadership and authority. Analysis, rationality. Knowing where one's true strengths lie. Willingness to self-sacrifice. Victory and success in any competition or in legal matters.


Laguz - Flow, water, sea, a fertility source, the healing power of renewal. Life energy and organic growth. Imagination and psychic matters. Dreams, fantasies, mysteries, the unknown, the hidden, the deep, the underworld. Success in travel or acquisition, but with the possibility of loss

Quote for today

The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it.
- Carl Becker

Swallow - The Wailin Jennys

Oh swallow
What did you swallow?
You swoop so low
You come and you go

You flew right in from that ship on the sea
Pirate sails on the wind coming for me

You wooed me, pursued me
You hooked me, you booked me
I signed up my name
Said I'll be your game

You got me, arrow shot me
Now come connect the dot me
And if you don't want it
then free me, I will flee

Oh swallow
What did you swallow?
You swoop so low
You come and you go

Something, something
You think you got something
Something to show
For all that hellbent letting go

I got me a handful
A handful of pebbles
One ball of light
One shining flght

You glide on the air
You swivel and turn
Fast beating heart
What do I gotta learn?

Oh swallow
What did you swallow?
You swoop so low
You come and you go

Arlington - The Wailin Jennys

Where do you go little bird
When it snows, when it snows
When the world turns to sleep
Do you know, do you know
Is there something in the wind
Breathes a chill in your heart and life in your wings
Does it whisper 'start again'
Start again

Where is the sun in the night
Is it cold, is it cold
Does it feel left behind
All alone, all alone
Does it wander through the dark
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star
Does it stray very far
Very far

Where is your home restless wind
Is it there, is it here
Do you search for a place to belong
Search in vain, search in fear
Or is your spirit everywhere
Is your voice every tree
Your soul of the air
If there's no home is there no death
Is there no death

Artesian

I am like water

clean and pure
bubbling upwards
from the rock below

it lay upon me
pushing and pressuring
keeping me in check
in the darkness

but it was not strong
not strong enough
and it cracked
wide to the sky

I became a well
Artesian...
pouring up and out
flooding the ground

and now I am me
becoming what I was
deep, glittering
a life, alive

Car shopping...

So I'm going through all the cars on Craigslist looking for the right deal. I'm just going to get something really cheap to get me from point A to point B and avoid getting into another car payment like the plague. I have had the opinion so far that I don't care at all what it is or what it looks like as long as its dependable. But as I peruse this digital shelf of cars and come across some of these odd gems, I find that I am drawn to the more eccentric of the listings.


I think that this go around I'm going to get something weird. Something that borders on that wonderful line of awesome/ridiculous.

AND ITS GOT TO BE EASILY CONVERTIBLE INTO A SURVIVALIST BATTLEWAGON FOR THE COMING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Here are the cars in the running so far:

AMC Eagle and all its BADASSITUDE!

Datsun B210 cause it screams "Put machine guns on me!"



Volkswagen Thing, who WOULDN'T want that?

DUCK Amphibious Vehicle. Enough said.

Revcon Class C Motorhome, a command center, a home AND vehicle all in one.

Ford Model T - Oringinal Bad ass

Technology

I love it and I hate it. It feeds me as my job centers around it. It entertains me as many of my hobbies would be much curtailed without its use.

It also frustrates the hell out of me.

My phone battery is completely dead and I am trying to charge it through my computer which I've done a million times... today however it just flickers and flashes defiantly and keeps dropping from my computers detected devices. I can't tell if its actually charging or not AND I REALLY NEED IT TODAY!

Ah well, my Norse forefathers made do without such conveniences so I guess I will as well.

Runes today -

I have been lax. I have been empty for a long time... you have not been drawn and nurtured with curiosity and warm fingertips. For a great many months you have endured the dark of your bag and the tepid sterility of a barely used nightstand.

Today however you are in my pocket, warming against my flesh and remembering my heartbeat. I poured you all out, and though I wish it had been sunlight that spilled across you, not the flickering phosphorescence of fluorescents in an office... still you are dark no more. And I touched you all, I looked deep into the crevices of your carved symbols and drank in the deep red color staring back. I traced you with a fingernail recalling all your shapes, recalling all your meanings to me that, though in truth have not been distant from me for THAT long, still seems a geological age. I was ashamed too as I looked upon you. Ashamed that something had come between us. Ashamed that the comfort and clarity you brought me had been bought and sold by the promise of another whom I invested myself in. You had never failed me. Your wisdom was perhaps not what I wanted to hear at times. Your voice was sometimes muddy and draped in fog but in the end you made sense.

So today I drew you. I drew you up and out and laid you down and read you and gleaned your meaning with a clarity and skill that time will never tarnish.

Dagaz

Kenaz

Jera


Hail to the Day! Hail to the sons of Day!
To Night and her daughter hail!
With placid eyes behold us here,
and here sitting give us victory.
Hail to the Æsir! Hail to the Asyniur!
Hail to the bounteous earth!
Words and wisdom give to us noble twain,
and healing hands while we live!

Out of the Bathypelagic Zone...

I'm drifting downwards
Like some dead fish, picked at and bony
Leaving the last of that dimming light
Towards the dwellers in the deep
Into an abyss of pressure
Into an abyss of cold
Into an abyss with no sun

I fall

But down here
We feed each other, us dead and dying
And the warmth from that harsh light... keep it
We dwellers in the deep
We are strong under pressure
We don't so much mind the cold
And we make our own light

Rob Crocker © 2009